The CPR Process of Repair

In any relationship, conflicts and arguments are inevitable. What matters is how we handle moments of tension and disagreement.

Our method, “The CPR Process of Repair” – is a 3-step roadmap to help couples recognize their cycles, step away from heightened emotions, and come together to process their feelings and resolve conflicts in a healthy and constructive way.

The CPR Process stands for Calm, Prepare, and Repair, and it has the potential to transform the way we approach conflicts with our partners.

Step 1: Calm

When emotions run high during an argument, we often lose access to rational thinking and find ourselves in a “Fight or Flight” mode. In this state, we may say or do things we later regret. The key to breaking free from this cycle is to find calmness within ourselves. Take deep breaths from the belly and activate the “Relaxation Response” to transition from fight or flight to a calm physiological state.

Engage in activities that promote relaxation, such as yoga or taking a short walk. Embrace positive affirmations or prayers to cultivate compassion for your partner and soften your emotions. The Calm stage allows both individuals to approach the repair process with a clearer and more understanding mindset.

Step 2: Prepare

After calming down, it’s essential to prepare for the repair process. This involves reflecting on seven crucial questions that lay the groundwork for a genuine and effective repair:

1. What was the emotional trigger for me in this argument?
2. Where could that trigger come from? Is it related to past experiences or current mood?
3. What move did I take when I got triggered? How did my partner perceive my reaction?
4. Can I identify the softer emotion beneath the anger or frustration I showed?
5. What impact did my reaction likely have on my partner?
6. Can I take responsibility for my actions and express what I wish I had done differently?
7. How can I be open to understanding my partner’s experience better during the repair?

Taking the time to honestly answer these questions fosters a deeper understanding of oneself and one’s partner, setting the stage for a more constructive repair process.

Step 3: Repair

The Repair stage involves six essential steps designed to rebuild emotional connection and resolve conflicts effectively:

1. Reconnect through an apology and physical touch, reaffirming your commitment to the relationship.
2. Take responsibility for your actions, showing a willingness to meet in the middle.
3. Tune in and validate your partner’s experience, demonstrating empathy and understanding.
4. Be vulnerable and acknowledge your own softer feelings that lie beneath anger or resentment.
5. Engage in problem-solving, creating a plan to address the issue that led to the conflict.
6. Connect in healing by reaching out again for physical contact and expressing gratitude to each other.

Remember, the CPR Process is a skill that improves with practice. The more you and your partner engage in this process, the better you’ll become at resolving conflicts and nurturing a deeper emotional connection. It is a journey towards creating a healthier, more fulfilling relationship, built on understanding, empathy, and genuine love.