About the Authors
Tina and Michael LeBlanc have been happily married since 2003, are parents to two teenage boys, and have over 20 years of combined experience as Licensed Counselling Therapists. Being experts in the Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) model and using it to help couples in their work, Tina and Michael drew from the EFT model to create a list of 10 Habits of Happy Couples. In this series of articles, they take you on a comprehensive walk through the 10 Habits, and with each, they give you an overview followed by specific tips you and your partner can use in your daily life.
We hosted a Facebook Live session where we discussed an essential topic for maintaining healthy and happy relationships: how to stop an argument from escalating. We want to share the key takeaways and some actionable strategies to help you manage conflicts more effectively.
Arguments are a natural part of any relationship, but when they escalate and recur without resolution, they can cause significant damage. Stopping arguments before they escalate allows for more effective communication and strengthens your relationship.
Plan Ahead: The first step is to choose a code word or phrase with your partner when both of you are calm. This word should signal the need to pause the argument and cool down. Both partners must agree on the word and understand its purpose. The key here is to select a unique word that is unlikely to be used in everyday conversation.
Commitment: Both partners must fully commit to respecting the code word. When you use the word, the argument should pause immediately, allowing both parties to relax before revisiting the discussion. This commitment is crucial for the strategy’s success.
Example: We use the word “banana” because it’s a fun and clear signal that helps break the tension. Other couples might choose words like “pause,” “reset,” or even a phrase like “let’s take a breather.” When one of us says our chosen word or phrase, it’s a signal to stop and breathe.
Recognize the Signs: Closely listen to your partner’s emotional reactions during a conversation. If you notice a strong reaction, it’s crucial to slow down the discussion.
Clarify and Calm: You can say, “I see you’re reacting strongly. Let’s slow down. What did you hear me say?” Slowing down can clarify any misunderstandings and prevent the argument from escalating. Addressing the reaction earlier can often stop the escalation before it starts.
Focus on Prevention: These strategies aim to pick up on these cues early and address them promptly, allowing for a smoother conversation that doesn’t spiral into a heated argument. Keep this goal in mind as you practice the strategies.
Understand the Root Cause: The inability to stop often stems from heightened anxiety about resolving the issue.
Practice Patience: Expect some trial and error as you practice this new strategy. It’s normal for it not to work perfectly at first.
Post-Argument Discussion: After the argument, discuss what happened. Discuss why the code word could have been more practical and troubleshoot any issues together.
Seek Help: If the problem persists, consider seeking professional help or taking a course on managing conflicts and calming down. There might be deeper triggers at play.
For more in-depth guidance, we recommend our book, 10 Habits of Happy Couples, which details identifying negative communication patterns and the CPR (Calm, Prepare, Repair) process. Our course, Taking Charge of Your Relationship provides practical exercises and strategies to help you manage conflicts and strengthen your relationship, including discerning your typical problematic scenarios, and communication exercises.
Practicing these strategies requires commitment and patience. It can be challenging, but it can become a natural part of your communication with practice. You can protect and nurture your relationship by agreeing to stop an argument before it escalates and focusing on early intervention.li
A big part of having a successful relationship is maintaining reasonable expectations. When your expectations are unreasonable, they will frequently go unmet. You become upset and angry when someone fails to meet your expectations.
Here are two quick strategies to stop arguments from escalating, improve your communication, and strengthen your relationship.
Micheal discusses his experience with having an avoidant attachment style, highlighting three common challenges and strategies to overcome them.
“The CPR Process of Repair” – is a 3-step roadmap to help couples recognize their cycles, step away from heightened emotions, and come together to process their feelings and resolve conflicts in a healthy and constructive way.
In today’s fast-paced world, it’s crucial to prioritize quality time with our significant others. This involves establishing rituals, engaging in meaningful conversations, and supporting each other’s well-being.
Having clear relationship rules and organizing your daily lives is a practical and crucial step towards a fulfilling and harmonious partnership. By acknowledging that life can get messy and unpredictable, you and your partner can work together to establish a system that caters to your needs and values.
