Sometimes other people’s stories can serve as an inspiration to us. I hope my story does that for you.
Here it goes.
They say that you learn a lot about love through watching your parent’s relationship. That was certainly true for me… but I was completely oblivious to the unconscious messages I was getting about Love and relationships.
The year my dad died, my parents would have celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary. And I would have said that you could still tell just how much they loved each other! My dad still had that sparkle in his eye when he would tease my mom, and my mom would still pinch his cheeks lovingly as she often reached for a kiss. You could just tell… feel their love for each other.
This is pretty amazing, since I also have lots of memories of tremendous hardships they faced through the years, and a lot of it made their connection very fragile. I witnessed many moments of fighting and tears as they tried to survive life’s major stressors that was thrown at them: years of work and financial stress, bankruptcy, 3 cancers, alcoholism, and major depression. There were so many twists and turns in their 40 years together that my mom even wrote a book about it after my dad died. These ‘events’ naturally took a toll on them individually and as a couple.
But what kept them together in my mind was their commitment and loyalty to each other. What kept their love coming through in spite of the challenges was pure dedication to each other. Never for a second they did think of quitting.
So unconsciously, I got this STRONG belief that this is all that is required to make love last.
I entered my first real adult relationship in my second year at university with little life experience, but unconsciously with this strong message ingrained. My boyfriend and I moved in together a year after, but not for the right reasons. Mostly out of convenience since we both needed a roommate. But for me, once we moved-in, that was it… the loyalty and commitment kicked-in and it became my focus to just ‘make it work’. In spite of us just being 20 years old and still in university- I was committed to making this work.
We were 8 years together ‘trying to make it work’ and it was hard. For the last 2 years of our relationship I felt I was constantly trying to find ways to retrieve the connection that had been lost through all of our fights and disappointments. We were growing apart and it was scary. We would get swept away in these fights where really my whole goal was trying to get some sign that he loved me and was as committed to me as much as I was to him. And the more desperate I got, the more he pulled away from me. The more he pulled away from me, the more scared I got.
We were caught in this negative vortex that I wasn’t even aware of at the time. It was a cycle that we both created through habitual reactions when our fears got triggered. All I knew at the time is that it sucked! It was extremely painful and I felt lost… helpless in how to fix it. But I kept trying… I was committed to ‘make it work’. And he was just in denial about how bad things at gotten.
Neither of us were reaching for help. I was way too embarrassed to say anything to anyone… and never even thought about getting professional help. Just tried to do this all on my own. That’s how I felt- on my own. And in that process, I lost myself. I lost who I was and what was important to me because the only thing that felt in my control was changing my expectations. So I started thinking, ‘well maybe I don’t really want kids’- because he didn’t and it would create fights. And ‘maybe I’m asking too much by doing things together as a couple and being adventurous and travelling’- because he was depressed and low energy all the time.
And then one day… after 8 years, he gave up. Without notice, he ended the relationship… and I was crushed. All of a sudden, my whole belief system got shattered… commitment and loyalty wasn’t enough after all…
