Have you ever been in a situation where you just didn’t feel ready to make up with your partner after an argument? Here are some all-too-common mistakes I’ve seen many couples make, and some tips you can incorporate instead.
About the Authors
Tina and Michael LeBlanc have been happily married since 2003, are parents to two teenage boys, and have over 20 years of combined experience as Licensed Counselling Therapists. Being experts in the Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) model and using it to help couples in their work, Tina and Michael drew from the EFT model to create a list of 10 Habits of Happy Couples. In this series of articles, they take you on a comprehensive walk through the 10 Habits, and with each, they give you an overview followed by specific tips you and your partner can use in your daily life.
Four Essentials to Make Peace After an Argument
Arguments are an inevitable part of any relationship, but how you handle them afterward can make all the difference.
Today, I want to share a personal experience—one that many couples can likely relate to—and outline four essential steps to finding peace after a conflict.
One morning, Michael and I had a fight before leaving for work. In situations like this, when time is limited, finding a way to repair things quickly is crucial. We didn’t want to carry negative emotions throughout the day, so we focused on these four essentials, which can help any couple navigate post-argument reconciliation.
The first and most challenging step is to recognize when things are escalating and take a step back. In the heat of the moment, emotions can take over, making it difficult to think clearly. When you’re hurt, it’s easy to dwell on thoughts like, I didn’t deserve that, or It’s all their fault. That morning, I found myself doing exactly that—believing that Michael had overreacted and that I had done nothing wrong.
But allowing those thoughts to dominate prevents resolution. Instead, I reminded myself that his reaction wasn’t random—there was a reason behind it. I had to shift my focus from my own hurt to understanding his experience. That self-awareness helped me approach him with a more open mindset.
Once you’ve calmed down, the next step is making sure your partner is also in the right headspace to talk. That morning, when I approached Michael to repair things, I noticed he was still frustrated. Instead of pushing forward, I acknowledged it:
“I can see you’re still frustrated. Let me know when you’re ready to talk about this and when you’re calm enough to talk about this. When you are, I’d really like to understand what triggered you, because I honestly don’t get it—I was trying hard this morning.”
I wasn’t speaking out of anger but from my heart. My emotions were raw, and I even teared up as I spoke. That sincerity helped him begin to calm down, not entirely, but enough to start sharing his perspective.
Once your partner is ready, it’s essential to listen with the goal of understanding, not defending yourself. My sole focus while listening to Michael was understanding his perspective and validating his experience without immediately shifting the conversation back to my own feelings because it continues to soften him. And that softens and opens him up to hearing my side of what was happening for me and how I experienced it.
Validation is key. It reassures your partner that their emotions are acknowledged, which naturally helps them relax and become more open. I responded with something like:
“I see how you felt that way. I wasn’t aware of everything you were going through in that moment, but I get it. I’m sorry—I’ll try to be more mindful of that next time.”
This step fosters emotional healing. When someone feels heard and validated, they are much more willing to reciprocate that understanding.
The final step is making sure that both partners feel heard. Too often, post-argument conversations become one-sided, where only one person gets closure. That almost happened to us this morning—I had validated Michael, but when I began sharing my own perspective, he became defensive again.
At that moment, I stopped and said: “I listened to your side. That’s not fair—you need to hear mine too.” He took a breath, acknowledged I was right, and tuned in.
It’s important to take responsibility for making sure you’re heard. While validating your partner first helps open the door, you must also assert your own need for understanding. The goal is for both people to walk away feeling acknowledged and emotionally at peace.
After a tough argument with Michael, I realized how important it is to handle the moments after a fight with care. In this post, I share what helped us come back together with honesty, understanding, and emotional clarity—tools that any couple can use to navigate the messy but necessary process of making peace.
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