Two lessons on how to manage emotional triggers and shame

As a couples therapist, every day I work with couples to help them deal with the impact of triggers in their relationship.  

And guess what?

I too get SERIOUSLY triggered at times…  This might surprise you, but it’s part of being human.

So I’ve decided to put myself out there and be totally vulnerable with you in this blog telling you about my recent experience of being triggered with my husband, Michael.

Why would I do this you say?  Because I like a challenge! ☺ 

And I’m also very aware that actions speak louder than words…  

We can write all about different tips and advice to inspire you to better your relationship, but what’s the point if you don’t get to see that WE ALSO WALK THE TALK in our own relationship!

I’m taking the HUGE risk to be vulnerable today with you so you see 2 things:

1. The connection that happens when 1 person allows themselves to be vulnerable; and 

1. To prove that everyone (even therapists!) have to focus on bettering themselves EVERYDAY.

Have you ever had a reaction to your partner that was so strong that you just could not stop crying?  

That’s what happened to me the last time I was triggered.  Michael announced to me that we owed money on our taxes this year and I just lost it…  out of the blue- going from 

0-100 in a millisecond!  

Let’s admit it- my reaction was completely not proportioned to the news he gave me (that’s how we know it’s a trigger).  

Now mind you, it was shocking since we had not prepared for this by putting money aside… but still my reaction was a bit much.  It certainly surprised me!

Initially it was anger that came up, and then immediately I started to cry.  

The more Michael would try to figure out what was going on with me the more my crying went to a primitive – gut wrenching place.

 My fears and irrational thoughts and beliefs were going a zillion miles an hour in my head but I couldn’t speak…  I was consumed with fear and pain…  It felt like a familiar feeling from the past, which clued me in that this was something bigger.

Michael didn’t know what to do anymore so he just held my hand as I cried and didn’t say anything.

Then the pivotal moment happened for me…  I started to feel the big ‘S’ word…  SHAME!  

I was ashamed at my reaction and I was confused and overwhelmed trying to make sense of where it was coming from.

The more Michael would say nothing, the more my shame would grow, telling me all sorts of things about ‘what Michael must be thinking of me right now’.

At this point, the shame felt stronger than the actual initial trigger…  I was a mess in front of my husband and I felt so VULNERABLE!

What an awful feeling… until I decided to do something about it.

I didn’t try to turn it off, I didn’t try to leave the room to escape my embarrassment (although I admittedly thought about it)…

I simply put into words the shame that was going through my mind.  I faced it.  I named it. 

Brené Brown would have been proud! (She’s a shame expert researcher if you haven’t heard of her…)

I simply told Michael (in the middle of a milli-second of coming up for air) that I felt ashamed of losing it like this in front of him and the fact that he’s not saying anything is scaring me even more…

Amazing!  It felt like a huge risk of course, but as soon as I said it (even before his reaction), I felt a little bit of space lifting in my chest.

His response?  ‘Gosh no, I’m not saying anything because I want to give you room to feel this… it seems like this is really deep for you…’

Wow!  More space made, still feeling vulnerable, but feeling accepted and loved BECAUSE of my vulnerability.  

Then like magic, because I allowed myself to risk being vulnerable, some of the real reasons behind my initial trigger started to come to me as I felt an opening for him to receive it and I didn’t have to stand behind my shame.

Michael moved in closer to hold me and I just continued weeping what felt like years of past trauma from my childhood around this topic of money.

Lesson 1: It’s the vulnerability that moves people closer.  Take the risk to be vulnerable with your partner.  Your partner can tune-in better when you let them in.  No one can respond to anger, but everyone can empathize with fear and pain.

Once I settled in Michael’s arms, I felt emotionally drained!  But I knew more digging had to happen if I wanted to work through this trigger and not let it show up like that out of the blue again.

So the next day, I took an hour to myself, grabbed my box of Kleenex and some soothing herbal tea (some might prefer their glass of wine here ☺ ) and I took my pen to my journal.

I wrote my heart out… allowing myself to go back to that place of pain I had felt the night before and wrote down every thought, memory and feeling that came up to me in that moment.  

I became aware of so many emotions that was fueling that triggered response the night before and it felt liberating to make connections to my past and why that trigger was there.

But guess what?  Even as a therapist I got stuck in this exercise at some point…  I made a lot of connections, but I KNEW I HAD TO DO SOME INNER WORK TO HEAL FROM THIS.

So what did I do next?  I emailed my own therapist that I have gone to see sporadically through the years after my dad died 17 years ago.  

I knew if I wanted to heal from this past trauma, I needed help…  PROFESSIONAL help.  I booked an appointment with her and felt a sense of peace right after.

I now knew I was facing this.  I was taking action by reaching out for help.  I could rest assured that I would get to the bottom of this.

And when I do, the first person I will share this with will be Michael.  I’ll let him in and take the risk to be vulnerable again!  So that he gets to understand my triggers too and he can better support me if or when my fear is re-triggered.  

Lesson 2:  Only positive growth comes out of facing our fears and asking for help.  We deserve it to ourselves to take the steps to heal.  Better Yourself First!  There’s really no other way. 

So there it is.

I hope taking this emotional risk to share my experience with you somehow helps you to feel empowered to do the same.

Let your partner in on your struggles and let yourself accept that you don’t need to go at this alone.

Better Yourself first!  There’s a reason why we share this as our first rule to relationship success and building Lasting Love.  

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