Hi, it’s Michael here. I am sharing a recent personal experience highlighting some common challenges for people like myself with an Avoidant Attachment Style.
Through a situation with my wife, Tina, I identified three key issues:
- Anxiety when our partner is upset
- The anxiety of knowing ‘we need to talk.’
- Not noticing connection gaps.
The Issue
Recently, Tina and I had a rough 24 hours filled with hurt feelings and frustration. Reflecting on this, I realized how my avoidant tendencies played a role. Here’s a breakdown of the situation and what I learned:
Challenge #1: Anxiety When Partner is Upset
I got anxious when I realized Tina was upset but I didn’t show it. Avoidant individuals often suppress their emotions, making it hard to address the issue promptly. Instead of approaching Tina, I waited for her to initiate the conversation, which only prolonged our disconnect.
Challenge #2: Anxiety Knowing ‘We Need to Talk’
Hearing “we need to talk” made my anxiety spike. Avoidant people dread emotional conversations and tend to avoid them. When Tina suggested we talk later to give me time to prepare, my anxiety grew. Despite knowing our relationship was strong, the anticipation of vulnerability was daunting.
Challenge #3: Not Noticing Connection Gaps
Tina pointed out that I had yet to notice our growing disconnect. Avoidant types often miss or ignore these gaps, relying on their partner to maintain the relationship. This can lead to feelings of neglect and frustration in the other person.
Tina and I reconnected despite the challenges and made plans to stay more connected. We agreed to make our anniversary trips non-negotiable and to chat daily. I’ve learned two crucial things to improve our relationship:
Notice and address connection gaps:
I’ll regularly ask myself, “How are we doing?” and share my observations with Tina.
Share my emotions: Instead of dealing with my feelings alone, I’ll communicate with Tina to help us stay connected emotionally.
Avoidant attachment styles can be challenging, but we can change our tendencies with awareness and effort. By approaching instead of avoiding and paying attention to our relationship, we can strengthen our bond and ensure a healthier, happier partnership.
